Get Up, Stand Up, Don't Give Up Without a Fight.
Aquarius Horoscope April 29th, 2004 (courtesy of Horoscope.com)
You will be emotional and will probably find it difficult to contain the way you are feeling. Try to reason with yourself before making a scene. Counteract your anxious feeling with something energetic and physical.

Funny shit. So True.

I just did some working out and damn I feel confidant again, baby.

Enough to write:

Obsessed is a word used by some people to describe the determined.

Take it how you will, but I am back in action.
- posted by Erin @ 2:20 AM |

 
Life is Not Always what it Seems!
Please, to all who have read the post "Living as if in a Dream" disregard my blatant misuse of my life energy. I now realize that I have been a huge fool for even considering to write that post or the larger consideration that lead to that post. Also if you haven't read it, yet. Go ahead and read it; it will enrich your life. (Hint: it is the post directly below this one)

I don't think I will ever attempt to have a female who is just a friend, ever again.

My life has taken an even worse turn, now K is leaving in 14 days. I have now made the decision that I am leaving at the end of the semester. I am not following her or anything. I have just had it with the scene up here. I am thinking of returning to the place of my birth, the great and glorious bay area.

.boxers
On a less dismal note I wore boxers to all my classes today, boy is college more fun in underwear. Except when the wind strikes up, especially on the updrafts it, I mean they, gets cold.

.lOl
I know you're out there watching me,
go fuck yourself and don't talk to me,
I don't need your advice,
don't need your scorn,
don't need your bullshit no more.

I can't spit rhymes its complicated
can't bump this shit I am done debating
-dedicated to some hobo under a bridge in Ohio. I have never been to Ohio before. Also I don't know any hobos least of all any in Ohio.
- posted by Erin @ 3:33 PM |

 
Living as if in a Dream
It seems that through the past few days my life has changed momentously. It is strange really; how I never thought that change could come this quickly. It is rather ironic, I guess, that this is all happening in the last month of the semester when everything is reaching that high level of turmoil and the end is quickly approaching.

I don't exactly know how to start this post. I know I want to write about my experiences; however, I do not know how to state it/them in a way that would not make them seem trivial to other people.

I am really shaky at the moment on what exactly is reality and what is just a figment of my imagination or a possible fantasy of mine. It can't tell if what I was told is something small (something with low merit that usually does not require or even merit action) or if it is something larger that I can actually make an action on.

I think all my questions of reality or potential reality are completely out of left field, why would I be chosen as or could even be considered as more than a friend and why was I even told about this. Men's brains are very fragile, contrary to what we want poeple, especially women, to believe. We may have certain feelings and or thoughts that pop in to our brains at certain times and as long as those aforementioned feelings do not get out of control we can usually push them way down into our psyches somewhere in our subconscious and at least control them, in this case feelings about an other person. However, once these feelings get out of control usually through some sort of trigger by a large sudden statement usually made by a person, the entire game is up; the feelings are out of control and can no longer be hidden, pushed down into the psyche/ subconscious or controlled.

This is when a man's true feelings come out and it usually gets very weird from there on out. I am now beyond the point in which I am in total control of my feelings.

There are two sides of my brain evaluating this situation: the first being the logical side of my brain the other side being the emotional/hopeful/fantasy.

Logical: My first logical thought is I that it is an isolated event and that it probably will not happen again. This is based purely on the fact of the unavailability on the other person. It is possible that the event might happen again, but I doubt that these repeat events would have any impact on the situation and would just serve as what they are distractions.

I mean you can’t expect someone who is psychically unavailable to act on her feelings right?

I then think to myself “this was one isolated event what is the possibility that it even will occur again?” It is possible that it was so isolated that it should not even be taken into account at all. For example, if you were on road-trip and you got a good deal on some olives at a supermarket you would not go all the way back to that store for the olives because they were on sale.
My second thought based on the logical side of my brain is why would if someone is already physically unavailable how could she have any feelings for me that were intense enough to motivate her to do anything? I understand that I am definitely superior to the other; however, how could I motivate her in such a way to change adversely to the other. I know I have done it before but nothing to this level. This level includes god, whatever shape or form god may come in. I think we always harbor feelings that we are better than others and in this they are definitely coming into play.

I am then reminded of “until death do us part” lasting bond right? What if it was for the wrong reasons what if it was all just wrong? Then again what if it wasn’t. Again the doubt sets in. What if the “bond” was just to save herself the trouble of having to deal with a vicious cycle of evident bad relationships? What if it was just a copout a way to cope? Does that change anything does it make the outcome that I want more possible? Is there even an outcome that has anything do to with me? Why am I so obsessed now that I have lost control of my feelings? We have so much in common, we have such a connection why must things be complicated by this?

All questions which were raised by the logical side of my brain, when looking at this conundrum. The answers are elusive.

Emotional/Hopeful: This is the harder part to write. To make the transition from the inner depths of my mind to the page is quite challenging…maybe I am just weak. My first thought would be this is fantastic. Because of the aforementioned loss of control of the feelings/thoughts they are now right in the front of my brain there to taken into consideration with every action that I make. I am amazed at the thoughts that are now very present in my conscious. The feelings are so wonderful, so intense, and so extravagant.

In the past two days I have had such lucid dreams. In my dreams the events are breathtaking and passionate. As I said before these feelings have never been expressed in such a way, they were always considered and then quickly dismissed into the subconscious. I always thought that men and women could not be friends; we always thought that men and women could not just be friends and were we right? Yes, we hit the nail straight on the head. The passion is intense, definitely euphoric. There are single acts and then I wakeup and then I fall asleep again and I am again consumed with those same intense feelings and again they manifest themselves in multiple acts of amazing pleasure and not all being extremely sexual. Some are just moments of connection a deep connection. The dreams are surreal.

Unfortunately, my dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams I am an idiot, an idiot who knows he is going to wakeup and be back in reality. A reality filled with no possibility of attaining what I want. A life filled with nothing that can measure up to this person; a life of inadequacies.

Even in reality at times that I totally know that I am fully awake I have visions behind my eyes. Thoughts provoking, tempting me, causing me to think about and only about her, it is amazing.

Verdict: I can’t take this unrest and life filled with doubt anymore. I just don’t know what to do about anything. The true verdict will probably be less than preferable and I just hope that I do not lose all control of my feelings prior to finals.

I have now found out that each Monday and Wednesday I was getting my fix, my fix of her; the fix that would carry me out until the next time we talked. Until now I thought nothing of it. Now I see the Light.

This Definitely Will Be Continued……Look for “Living as if in a Dream” part II in the next few days.

Am I in Love or am I in Lust? What am I in?
- posted by Erin @ 3:22 AM |

 
Curiously Interesting
.attraction
I have found that over the last few weeks I have began to have interesting feelings towards Meghanraye. I can't exactly explain them. It is not that I find her incredibly attractive in the conventional way (e.g "damn she is hot, I want to fuck that women"). I really find her intriguingly attractive, I guess.

It is like she is fascinatingly weird, being attractive is just a superfluous characteristic. It is more of strange feelings that I can't really explain, I haven't had them before. Weird huh?

She, Meghanraye, is usually pretty funny, I only see her at her work place or at CR. I don't have any classes with her so I don't see her that much; however, whenever I do see her she always smells great. I don't know Meghanraye very well. Well, I have hangout with her once, but it was with a friend of mine, Darrel, who has a, lets say, interesting relationship with her. I can't really describe it, it's weird.

I don't really know what to do with her. It almost always ends up being mutual flirting, but a different type of flirting on both our parts. I think we are both being mildly reserved. Whatever, it has just been a growing feeling in the past few weeks.

Verdict: I think I would like to investigate this further; cautiously, in this case.

There are an exorbitant amount of charged atoms in this case, people.

Sidenote: I have heard she does some weird shit to guys she is dating/fucking (e.g. three months of fun and then your benched; plain English: she loses interest approximately 3 month in to the relationship).

Honi, you saw how we acted around each other what is your take (view) on this situation?

.gmail
I am considering joining gmail, googles newest beta e-mail account. I have a few friends who have joined and I am thinking of jumping on the bandwagon; I don't really know though.

.cover
The title pictures is a funny one. Caption: "Hey this isn't Europe."

.ultimatum
Well people the three (3.44976567 to be correct) month mark is quickly approaching! What am I to do?
For more info on this actan check my post [EDIT] THIS (!). It clearly defines my narcissism. I am almost out of time, almost time to move on to a better place. I am kinda excited in depressed sort of way. How is that for a sentence, huh?

Brought to you by: Erin and His Crazed Trouser Snake.
- posted by Erin @ 4:58 AM |

 
Foiled, Oh the Whorer
Remember the blonde? The one from Music 12? Let me tell you the tale. SO today I was in my music class being preached Louis Armstrong and Jelly Roll Morton information like there was no tomorrow. I am looking around for that blonde chick so I could make some headway. If you remember I thought she was mildly hot. Anyway, I didn't see her till later in the class when she came in late and sat next to me.

The Bad part:
After class I engaged her in conversation, something about some movie list or something. I don't really remember, that was just an "ice breaker" if you know what I mean. So, we are chatting about different class stuff (boring). I come to find out: she has a boyfriend. Lame, Lame, Lame. Oh and her boyfriend is in a band. Manic, ha, local crap.

Now it just seems like to much work for me. Taking someone's girlfriend from them takes a lot of time and energy. I can't spare that much, not for her at least. Don't get me wrong, I CAN, HAVE and WILL, steal girlfriends from people it just takes time and energy.

.useless.knowledge
2% of visitors to my blog are Running a Macintosh based Operating System.
1% of my traffic is from Norway.

.attraction
Okay so the blonde is out. How about a little brunette on the menu? There is this mildly attractive chick in my Journalism 5 class. Haven't engaged in conversation yet; but now is a good of a time as any right? She wears sandals all the time and has a funky little toe ring on her middle toe…kinda cute.

.quoted
My favorite statement that I have heard in the recent past was spoken by a dear friend of mine. We were speaking about the amount of sexual partners that each of us had uh…fucked. So she blurts out:

"Do women count?"

I responded, "are you kidding me? Women count as two!" Oh did I mention I think women fucking each other are hot? Well they are. Don't like women fucking each other? Well then you need to go have your head examined. It is some seriously sensual shit.

.redesign
I think I might have to get onto the band wagon and spruce up this little blog here. Maybe a little paint and a boost controller and some PHP and ASP scripting, that will teach you people to hide your IP addresses better.

.search
Wow, I am popping up all over the internet. I am having quite a few search engines link to me.

2nd on AOL Search for my use of Beoncye Knowles:
http://aolsearch.aol.com/aol/search?query=Beoncye+Knowles

5th on Google for Bidibodi Bidibu:
http://www.google.de/search?hl=de&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22Bidibodi+Bidibu%22+mid&meta=

#1 on Google for “what was called "F & U" in the film mother.”

5th on Google for "Don't Go Making Phony Calls":
http://www.google.com/search?q=%22Don%27t+Go+Making+Phony+Calls%22&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&start=10&sa=N

And I am getting a huge amount of hits from Jaeger’s site. Thanks Babe.

Those are sites that people have clicked through to get to my page. I am listed on other search engines around, but I guess I am not getting referrals from them, yet.

Brought to you by: Erin and The Fingerlicking Goodness of a Women Near You. Mhhm tastes like chicken.
- posted by Erin @ 3:58 PM |

 
The Smell of Sex
Okay, it seems that over the course of writing this bog I have made, what some women believe to be, highly sexist comments in the posts: Gone Fishing and We Gots People Commin

I have not and will never make excuses for the things I have said or written; however, I will justify my thoughts and ideas so that, my listeners or in this case readers, will understand what they did not comprehend before and thus be enlightened.

Let me begin by stating that A Metrosexuals Bathroom Wall is not rated G. As my music professor said, "In this course I may use quote, "curse" words and well if anyone is offended by that then you can fuck off."

.sex
As we all know and have found out throughout our lives sex plays an important role in society. Not just the act of fucking but also gender and the role gender bias plays in ones life.

I am not a woman so it is hard, at times, to connect and identify with everything that women say and believe. Furthermore, any woman who says she can connect and identify with everything men think and exhibit is just plain lying. It is a simple fact that men and women just will not agree on everything. This, however, is not justification for extreme rudeness.

In my post Gone Fishing there was absolutely no bias on my part at all. I was simply posting my response to the quote. The post was NOT about men and women's genitals and the differences in smells and physiology, it was a response to the statement made by another person. If the comment board for that post is checked everyone will plainly see that there are quite a few comments on the subject, none of which are biased they are simply stating facts.

.sexist
The definition of someone who is sexist is:
"discriminatory on the basis of sex n: a man with a chauvinistic belief in the inferiority of women" [This according to dictionary.com (if anyone wants to try to argue with me)]

Someone please tell me (and cite sources) of how I could be construed as a man who thinks that women are inferior. The first source that people would probably try to use is my use of Friedrich Nietzsche's quote "When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs." This taken from my post We Gots People Commin.

If anyone knows anything about Nietzsche, he was a very interesting German philosopher and just as when taking all philosophers in to account it must be reminded that not everybody believes all philosophies equally. My justification for using this quote was that I had just seen Meg Ryan's new film In The Cut. A horrible film which is two and a half hours of ludicrous gratuitous bullshit. And guess what- she is an English professor.

.redefine.your.mind
I do very firmly believe that women are beautiful, glorious creatures who should be appreciated.

Also as most women believe and I am in perfect agreement here, women through the course of time have been forced into a role of subservience. I am, however, one of the largest male supporters of gender equality. The Vagina Monologues were superb as well as V-Poetry and other similar events. It saddens me and also offends me that someone would consider me a sexist.

Believe what you want, but (in this case) what you believe is wrong.

.reiteration
As I made it (obiviously not so clear) in Gone Fishing, it has alwaybeen my experience that women both smell and taste great (especially blondes, but brunettes are also very yummy). Also, Honi, who is responsable for this blog post here, remineded me that the "fishy" smell deal is really just a gender based sterotype.

.verdict
Women rock, smell, taste and feel great and most are super intelligent, attractive and awesome people. Futhermore, I am not sexist


Brought to you by: Erin and The Pressuring Statements of a Women Near You. I hope this lays to rest all your doubts ladies, especially Honi.
- posted by Erin @ 1:47 PM |

 
May I Bore You More Sir?
I can't seem to understand this I have quite a few hits while the comments that are left are not existent; they don't exist. Lets have some commenting people.

.create
I have done just that. I am once again heavily writing poetry. I have also started to write in rap, which contrary to what people believe is easier than slicing sliced bread. I would post a small piece of what I write up here; however, I don't think that I would like to do that right now. Now, it is not because of a lack of confidence. I walked around an entire day in just my boxers and the fly thing on the front didn't even have any kind of closure. I was precariously position and was hoping that I wouldn't flash an old lady when walking down the street.

I did get a few crotch looks from rather attractive chicks though. Always a plus.

.bloggshit
Well blogger fucked me over again crapping out and deleting half my post on a reload and I am to tired to continue this charred. I had some good stuff written down too.
- posted by Erin @ 1:36 AM |

 
Savvy No..
Entrepreneurial Maybe...

I told you I would be back. Here I am.

.deep.thought
I really like tongue rings. I mean it is not just how they feel, that is beside they point right now; I will discuss it later. They are really kinky looking. I can't really explain it though, kinda like my affinity towards chicks that wear white pants or white belts or a combination of the two. I just really like them. I did however say that I would talk about how they feel and yes they most definitely feel very good. I don't know if you, my readers, chicks or guys have ever been pleasured by someone who has a tongue ring but it is very nice, quite enjoyable. I would highly recommend it to both sexes male and female, this one goes out to you Honi (snicker, snicker).

And she thought I wouldn't harass her like she harasses me. Ha. But seriously find someone who has a tongue ring and get them to go down on you. (Oh and Honi there is more to come).

.music
Lil Flip - Rollin on 20s, is my current addiction. I also very much addicted to Mariah Carey's - Heartbreaker, Monster Magnet - Look to Your Orb For The Warning and The Deftones - My own Summer.

[All these and more available on Rip-It-Now Records in Association with K-Lite Records And Nero Burning Productions.]

.you're.taking.notes.right
Remember if any chick asks you "how did Erin get so damn good" just point them towards My Moto.

.simulation
I just got the crazy idea to play The Sims. I am going to try to find the game disc now (the game is so 1999). I will name a character after my favorite cannibal, Favio.

Brought to you by: Erin and The Committee To Free The Weasel. Oh he is coming out. Be prepared, be very prepared.
- posted by Erin @ 9:32 PM |

 


- posted by Erin @ 9:32 PM |

 
I Owe You One
I don't know what is wrong with me, but, for some strange reason I can't seem to blog. My last post was a long time ago, for me that is. Truly, I used to be addicted to blogging, sometimes I still am; however, recently I JUST can't blog.

I have been working really hard the last few days. I am attempting to make my current "business opportunities" fruit. Fruit dammit, fruit. They are stubborn sometimes.

I am trying to upgrade my two cars (the Zx2 and the PORSCHE) with different performance parts; however I really need to stay focused and buy a prosumer DV camera (Canon XL1s all the way).

I am still going to be a Filmmaker you know.

.weak
I am feeling quite weak due to the fact that I have not been to the gym since the 21st. Oh vanity thy name is Erin. I am hoping I can congole myself into going to gym today. My Vanadyl Sulfate should be here soon, that is a good thing. I was thinking of mixing in some creatine too, but I dont know.

.buuh Yaah
I just went bike riding. Nope I couldn't convince myself to go to HealthSport, but I went a nice long and fast bike trek, it was awesome. I feel so much stronger and energized.

.end.game
I don't really have any notable news in this post..

To Be Continued......


- posted by Erin @ 1:50 PM |

 
Gone Fishing
So I was reading blogs and I came across this quote:

"Beer and women or beer and fishing? They both leave your mouth with a fishy taste"
-Evan

.response
I have never had this experience. Thank god. I think that would be one of the most fucked up things to be smelling/tasting when going down on a women. I will just cross my fingers that I don't get the fresh trout on my plate, if you know what I mean.

Also, If anybody has experienced this nasty (fishy) phenomenon please post your fishy experience in the comments.

Brought to you by: Erin and The Soap Makers Association of America. Also brought to you by the letters F & U and the numbers 6 & 9

- posted by Erin @ 6:53 PM |

 
Fuck Dis an Fuck Dat, Get Da Fuck Back
Weird, I haven't blogged since March 31st. I just don't have any time and I haven't been in the mood.

If any of my readers have seen "A Beautiful Mind" they will remember the scene at the beginning of the film when Nash (Crow) states that he doesn't go to class because it doesn't leave him any time to come up with his "original thought." The very same idea can be applied to my life at this very moment; I have no time at all to do anything that is enjoyable. I have no time for creativity, I have no time to think.

.christ
I think I am very similar to christ in that I must suffer for others sins. Now I am not usually a religious person so this is weird coming out of my mouth. I dabble in all religions not a one single one, but that is beside the point.

I have seen that when I am happy, enjoying myself, expressing creativity and generally having a positive outlook on life everyone else around me is having a horrible time, nothing is going right for them and they generally feel rotten. However, when ever anyone else starts expressing semi-long bursts of pleasure, I begin to feel bad and everything unravels in my life, thus I must suffer.

.tickle.me.this
on a humorous note I think people are addicted to sex. I know I have said it before but I really think it is true. Oh did i mention it is fun? Well it is. It most defiantly is.

I also think that people are addicted to talking about sex. You know on the off chance that they are not having it at that exact moment.

.music
Hmm. Lets see in the music department I have a quiz in Music 12 tomorrow which I should really be preparing for, but whatever I have all night right? I am currently listening to (not addicted, yet) Frank Sinatra, Suzanne Vega (okay I am addicted to her), and the Usual suspects (Nickelback - Someday, Evanscence - My Immortal and of course Toxic). I also just heard some song by Beoncye Knowles (or however you spell her name) that I think is sexy I think it is called "Sexy."

.film
I have learned about a potential directing opportunity some acting people would like to make a very very very small movie. One of the people in the group asked if I would like to get involved. I am still working on getting a camera all it takes is the excess cash. Oh believe me it is coming.

.newspaper
Fucking ASCR finally told me I would get the money for the newspaper website. Shit it took a long fucking time. Anyway that is still a possibility of making something mediocre before the semester is over. Such potential just wasted. Fuck me, people are incompetent.

.porsche
woohoo, I took it out for a spin today and I have been missing driving it. The wind in my hair, the little rice boys dropping like flies, yah they were choking on my dust, well actually my exhaust and my dust. It was fun.

.k
Darrel met K. Well not actually met just talked (I didn't introduce them). Yah that's all I have to say on K at this time.

.end.game
I don't really have anything else to say; remember that lapse in creativity? Yah it is plaguing me.


Brought to you by: Erin and The Committee to Promote Bureaucracy. The antichrist to creativity.

Note: For the people how can't seem to find the comments button it is right next to my name to the right of the time the post was posted.
- posted by Erin @ 5:36 PM |