The Metrosexual Presents:
The How to Be Fashionable Series....

Welcome this is your host James Lipton-

And Now from the Austin Texas Astrodome your host The Metro-s-e-x-u-a-l,

Thank you, thank you James.

Well today we are talking mainly about the proper attire one must wear when exiting the house everyday. Now I don't care what you wear when your behind the closed doors of your home but when you come out please be dressed in a way that does not make you look and, this is to all you Jordache wearing non-showering schelps, smell like a bum.

STEP 1: Get a Fashion Sense

Okay now I know that some of you good not create a workable outfit out of a a couple of Gucci shopping bags so this is for you. You need to hang around with some people who have money or at least know how to shop the sales at Bergdorfs. I mean come on get some friends who dress well. You know the one in your group who always gets the looks from people (no not the fat guy he doesn't have any idea even how to exercise how could he possible dress well?).

If you are having a problem with Step 1 just goto to the Kwiki Mart and grab yourself the newest GQ (gentleman's Quarterly) that will have all you need it might be a little advanced for you at this stage so you may want to start with FHM or Maxim both which have style sections.

But for the love of god STAY AWAY from the Sears Catalogue and anything that resembles a K-Mart Flyer.

By now you should have a basic understanding of what you should model yourself after. Now it is time for...

STEP 2: Get a Credit Card

Everyone must have a credit card (hopefully Platinum) with a very high credit limit because if you don't you will be able to afford about 2 items, probably underwear, ad unless you are me you will not be able to cut it with just underwear. Well Johnnie Depp could cut it too. Many companies give credit to poor people like yourself so just point you browser to Google.com and search "O% APR Credit Cards." If you are lucky you just might get one. Alternately you can just head over to Macy*s and they will ask you if you want to sign up for a Macy*s card; you definitely want one sounds flirt with the chick behind the counter and get her to sign you up for a gold card. You will thank me later.

STEP 3: Buy The Basics

The key to actually owning a full wardrobe you can wear outside of your parents basement is starting with basics.

Let me outline it for you...

You will need more than:

7 Dress Shirts (in Various Colors. No all white shirts here son)

5 pairs of unmatched dress pants (in Various Colors. Unmatched means that they don't
go with a suit jacket)

10 Neck-Ties (They must be silk.)

15 pairs of socks (divide them up equally between dress and sport socks)

5 Button down short sleeve shirts (these are for casual attire and all you are looking for is something to impress the ladies, or the guys if you happen to be Gay, when you are not sporting more formal wear.

10 Pairs of Undergarments (Now I shouldn't have to outline this for you if you already undergarments on a semi-regular basis I think you are lost. Just make sure that they are comfortable and that you can move around in them.

with these few basics you should be able to get through the first initial plunge into being viewed by people who do not call you by a pet name. Lets move on to harder things.

STEP 4: How Much is That Suit in The Window

You need to own at least ONE full suit, come on your a man right? This suit should be Dark Blue or blue or black. Absolutely NO pulling a Dumb and Dumber and getting anything in pink or light blue.

Let me instruct you that pinstripe is the way to go when it comes to wanting to woo someone (i.e. get that job, win the girl, or get that house loan). People will respect you more in a Pinstripe suit.

On to material for a suit. There are only three accepted fabrics: Wool, Cotton and Silk. If you get a polyester suit and I find out about it I will hunt you down and kill you, unless of course if it is by Donna Karen or Gorgeio Armani, then it is acceptable; however, once again K-Mart or Target doesn't count.

STEP 5: Look at My New Kicks

So kicks is slang for Shoes, yes. You MUST own a wide array of shoes not just a couple of pairs of sneakers and pair of "dress" shoes. The key to shoes is have mainly shoes that match your lifestyle. If you run a lot have some running shoes but also remember that you are not always go to be running. So you will need some casual and more dressy shoes for the times when you want to look sharp (not just when you go to a job interview or go to work). You should Look sharp all the time.

Blacks and Browns are good colors to stick to in dress and casual dress shoes. Anything else will get you weird stares from everyone, especially women- one of the first things they notice is your shoes. Don't trust that whole only personality matters to me crap, it is the shoes that determine your worthiness- for most things.

When it comes to athletic shoes you can be a little bit more out there. With lots of colors to choose from Blues, Whites and Reds are good colors. However black can be quite versatile as well. If you are really interested in getting out side the fashion box and creating your own you can go with multi colored kicks in bright colors such as orange and pink. Just stay away form yellow.

With the shoes to match the suit and to match your Basics you are now ready to start coordinating.

STEP 6: Wear It Well

You now have to learn about color matching. Most things can be matched together accept maybe orange and white. Or any kind of bright Yellow.

The main thing to remember is that your Shoes MUST match your belt. Also you should have a main color and match to that. For example you would wear black pants, a blue shirt, black shoes and a black belt. There will be no brown shoe wearing with black pants on my watch.

Furthermore use common sense if you don't think that red shirt will match the rest of your outfit don't wear it. Another good thing to remember is that blues, silvers, grays and black are your friend; they go with almost everything.

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This is the First Part of an ongoing Series. You will see the next installment in the near future. I will also be developing one for all the female readers of this blog.

- posted by Erin @ 1:57 AM |

 
May I buy you a Mound, I mean Island?
I gots da bread bitches.

I am now releasing a press release to the people of the world. I, Erin- The Metrosexual, have just received TWO brand spanking new Platinum Credit Cards, I love Platinum cards. I now have quite a nice collection of Platinum Cards.

"My, What high credit limits you have," "Better to buy expensive suits with, bitches."
The Metrosexual's Little shopping spree in the hood

.music
Holy shit, I once again heard Beyonce Knowles - Sexy and damn is that song sexy. I tried downloading up from KazaaLite with no luck, all the copies were fucked up.

.attraction
I am incredible attracted, at this very moment, to The Kawasaki Ninja ZX6RR. A very quick streetbike. With just over 600cc the ZX6RR, the racing model, is amazing at just over 350 lbs.


(click to make large)


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.film
I have just seen Torque and BikerBoyz. Both films are fucking awesome. I have recently switched my thoughts to purchasing and riding a streetbike. We aren't talkin' about your uncles hog here. Anyway, the films were sweet lots of tricks and the such with quite a bit of plot to boot. I was surprised at that fact. I also saw someother fims but I will share those with you, my readers, at a later time.

I regret to say, I have so much to do that I really must go.

Until next time...

Brought to you by: Erin and The Council to Ban Stupidity. Would you like to Join?
- posted by Erin @ 6:30 PM |

 
Ja, Little Girllie Man. I Vill Crush You, Ja.
I have finally found the workout that will make me very, very, very- large. It is the "vehicle pull" or "the push" in my case.

The story is: I went out driving, for pleasure, earlier this evening and suddenly, I got the great idea to push my car. I don't know why I thought that it would be interesting, but it was. Well, I found that it was quite enjoyable, yet strenuous enough to cause fatigue and thus build muscle. I would Like to work my way up to heavier vehicles. Currently my stats are:

Pushing: 1998 Ford Zx2
weight: aprox. 2500 LBS. (of car)
Speed: aprox. 5mph
duration: 1/8 mile

I am going to be increasing these factors: duration of the pull and hopefully, If I can find a heavier car/truck I will be able to increase the weight of the pull.


All the way around it was an extremely enjoyable experience. I am now going to do it everyday. My first goal is to increase the duration of the push maybe 1/2 mile. I am also going to try to work my way up to a 18 Wheel Truck.

However, if you really want a workout try dead lifting a car.


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.music
I haven't really been listening to a lot of music lately; however just five minutes I started again; what can I say I am fickle. I am currently as I type this blog listenign to Dj Bubbles "Bidibodi Bidibu" (song from Super Troopers porsche scenes). I am also in the process of downloading "You Give Love a Bad Name" by Bon Jovi. The download will be done in 2:36.

.employment
Well I have finally been getting some serious tech calls from my employer Alpha Sum Business Machines. I independently service over 70 locations in a 100-mile radius of my immediate location. Fun stuff. I have had this job since March; however, the work is finally picking up. I finally thought I would mention it.

NEWS BREAK: I am at this exact moment listening to Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name". Shot through the heart, baby.
.attraction
My current attraction is the body, my body to be exact. I am kicking as at HealthSport and I am taking names. It is awesome yesterday, the last time I went to the gym, I ran for five minutes on a really fucking fast setting on the treadmill after wards I felt a huge urge to puke or rather that I was going to puke so I better find a receptacle to extricate it in to.

The bathroom was my friend. After that interesting experience, that was my second time vomiting due to a workout, I proceeded to have one of the most effective and strengthen workout I had ever had. It was fucking awesome, as Jeager would say it was ROXOR.

.film
On the subject of film, I had one of the best nights of Old-Movie-Night- ever. It was excellent. I finally met Richard’s son Ashley and another one of their friends Shannon (I think I spelled that right). Anyway, we kicked the day off with Paul, acquaintance of mine, and I heading off to HealthSport to workout.

Paul doesn’t have a membership so it was more of a day for Paul to workout and me to act as a trainer. It was an interesting experience, Paul started out by turning the treadmill to the one of the higher speed settings and then trying to take his sweat shirt off while running rather quickly, needless to say Paul lost his footing and went tumbling down causing a large crashing noise and the snapping sound of peoples necks as the turned their heads to view what had just occurred.

The mayhem continues though; as Paul was attempting to get himself back on to the speeding treadmill he was gripping the bars and was trying to get on, unfortunately the treadmill was not making it easy. Paul lost his footing- again and as I turned to view his progress I was greeted with the sight of Paul bouncing up and down and flailing around his knees bouncing around on the belt of the treadmill. The end of the story is he finally got back on to the treadmill and we completed the warm-up run.

The twist is a few minutes we were in the free weight area and I glanced down at his knees and what should I see but large amounts of blood and some nasty looking rubber belt burns. It was quite gruesome. Paul was incredibly manly throughout the entire experience- not a single peep out of him “that it hurt” anytime during the evening.

The rest of the workout was uneventful.

Fast-forward…

We headed of to Costco and bought some excellent bread, watermelon, twenty pounds of oranges and some funky fake sushi stuff. We decided that we would surprise Richard (Japanese teacher at the college I attend) with this “sushi” and see how rated it. The story behind this is that I once went to the Ritz, a local Japanese restaurant, with Richard so that we could rate the sushi. I thought it was excellent he thought it was sub-par. I believe that Darrel enjoy as well.
Anyway, it was hysterical; we got to Richards house with the foodstuffs and had him try the sushi. I was surprised he said it tasted all right. Even Paul liked it.

After the sushi we heard that Breanne (I think I spelled this right, too) and some guy who I don’t remember had moved out of the house that Richards owns behind his own house. So I totally wanted to see it.

Let me tell you it was a sweet place. It has this sunken room and then this loft like place that has these funny little steps leading up to it. The coolest part about the little room is that the door that leads to it is so skinny that it looks like a closet. I immediately got the great idea to craft some sort of shelving that looked like the back of a closet and rig it up so that I could use the little loft as a secret room. Kénes (pronounced ketnis) said that I it would be a perfect place for a speakeasy. That was the name for illegal bars during the prohibition (on liquor). I thought that was a great idea.

Fast-forward…

We then started the movie watching pandemonium. We watched a movie I can’t remember the title of and Shane, a western. All in all it was a great experience.

NEWS BREAK: I have heard through the grapevine that another instance of “Old-Movie-Night” occurred on Thursday; however, I declined to attend for certain reasons.


I am now at a loss for words. So, I Will bid you adieu and goodbye.


Brought to you by: Erin and the Future Dictators and Monarchs of America Association. I am a proud member.

- posted by Erin @ 3:36 AM |