Living as if in a Dream
It seems that through the past few days my life has changed momentously. It is strange really; how I never thought that change could come this quickly. It is rather ironic, I guess, that this is all happening in the last month of the semester when everything is reaching that high level of turmoil and the end is quickly approaching.

I don't exactly know how to start this post. I know I want to write about my experiences; however, I do not know how to state it/them in a way that would not make them seem trivial to other people.

I am really shaky at the moment on what exactly is reality and what is just a figment of my imagination or a possible fantasy of mine. It can't tell if what I was told is something small (something with low merit that usually does not require or even merit action) or if it is something larger that I can actually make an action on.

I think all my questions of reality or potential reality are completely out of left field, why would I be chosen as or could even be considered as more than a friend and why was I even told about this. Men's brains are very fragile, contrary to what we want poeple, especially women, to believe. We may have certain feelings and or thoughts that pop in to our brains at certain times and as long as those aforementioned feelings do not get out of control we can usually push them way down into our psyches somewhere in our subconscious and at least control them, in this case feelings about an other person. However, once these feelings get out of control usually through some sort of trigger by a large sudden statement usually made by a person, the entire game is up; the feelings are out of control and can no longer be hidden, pushed down into the psyche/ subconscious or controlled.

This is when a man's true feelings come out and it usually gets very weird from there on out. I am now beyond the point in which I am in total control of my feelings.

There are two sides of my brain evaluating this situation: the first being the logical side of my brain the other side being the emotional/hopeful/fantasy.

Logical: My first logical thought is I that it is an isolated event and that it probably will not happen again. This is based purely on the fact of the unavailability on the other person. It is possible that the event might happen again, but I doubt that these repeat events would have any impact on the situation and would just serve as what they are distractions.

I mean you can’t expect someone who is psychically unavailable to act on her feelings right?

I then think to myself “this was one isolated event what is the possibility that it even will occur again?” It is possible that it was so isolated that it should not even be taken into account at all. For example, if you were on road-trip and you got a good deal on some olives at a supermarket you would not go all the way back to that store for the olives because they were on sale.
My second thought based on the logical side of my brain is why would if someone is already physically unavailable how could she have any feelings for me that were intense enough to motivate her to do anything? I understand that I am definitely superior to the other; however, how could I motivate her in such a way to change adversely to the other. I know I have done it before but nothing to this level. This level includes god, whatever shape or form god may come in. I think we always harbor feelings that we are better than others and in this they are definitely coming into play.

I am then reminded of “until death do us part” lasting bond right? What if it was for the wrong reasons what if it was all just wrong? Then again what if it wasn’t. Again the doubt sets in. What if the “bond” was just to save herself the trouble of having to deal with a vicious cycle of evident bad relationships? What if it was just a copout a way to cope? Does that change anything does it make the outcome that I want more possible? Is there even an outcome that has anything do to with me? Why am I so obsessed now that I have lost control of my feelings? We have so much in common, we have such a connection why must things be complicated by this?

All questions which were raised by the logical side of my brain, when looking at this conundrum. The answers are elusive.

Emotional/Hopeful: This is the harder part to write. To make the transition from the inner depths of my mind to the page is quite challenging…maybe I am just weak. My first thought would be this is fantastic. Because of the aforementioned loss of control of the feelings/thoughts they are now right in the front of my brain there to taken into consideration with every action that I make. I am amazed at the thoughts that are now very present in my conscious. The feelings are so wonderful, so intense, and so extravagant.

In the past two days I have had such lucid dreams. In my dreams the events are breathtaking and passionate. As I said before these feelings have never been expressed in such a way, they were always considered and then quickly dismissed into the subconscious. I always thought that men and women could not be friends; we always thought that men and women could not just be friends and were we right? Yes, we hit the nail straight on the head. The passion is intense, definitely euphoric. There are single acts and then I wakeup and then I fall asleep again and I am again consumed with those same intense feelings and again they manifest themselves in multiple acts of amazing pleasure and not all being extremely sexual. Some are just moments of connection a deep connection. The dreams are surreal.

Unfortunately, my dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams I am an idiot, an idiot who knows he is going to wakeup and be back in reality. A reality filled with no possibility of attaining what I want. A life filled with nothing that can measure up to this person; a life of inadequacies.

Even in reality at times that I totally know that I am fully awake I have visions behind my eyes. Thoughts provoking, tempting me, causing me to think about and only about her, it is amazing.

Verdict: I can’t take this unrest and life filled with doubt anymore. I just don’t know what to do about anything. The true verdict will probably be less than preferable and I just hope that I do not lose all control of my feelings prior to finals.

I have now found out that each Monday and Wednesday I was getting my fix, my fix of her; the fix that would carry me out until the next time we talked. Until now I thought nothing of it. Now I see the Light.

This Definitely Will Be Continued……Look for “Living as if in a Dream” part II in the next few days.

Am I in Love or am I in Lust? What am I in?
- posted by Erin @ 3:22 AM |